Monday, August 8, 2011

Buttocks


We try to avoid encouraging bad behavior in our kids but despite our best efforts they learn things that will inevitably embarrass us parents. This is why when they are teenagers we do everything in our power to embarrass them like driving them to school in our PJs, signing up to chaperone the Sadie Hawkins dance and then teach the kids to do the sprinkler.


I first came to realize the extent to which our children will go to completely embarrass us when I was 14.  I was living with my aunt and uncle the summer after my dad died to take some of the load off my mom, she was a rock star but everyone can use a little help.  This meant I got to learn the best form of embarrassment from my nephew, Casey.  He learned from the best.  That summer they bought the Steve Martin tape “Wild and Crazy Guy” to entertain Casey in the car.  One day at the local Safeway, my Aunt Nece and I are cruising down the aisle and Casey sings out, one perfect tune “Grandpabought a rubber”.  Of course Nece is horrified but I can’t help but snigger and that provides Casey the proof he should repeat until his mother is in tears.  Grandpa bought a rubber.  Grandpa bought a rubber.  Grandpa bought a rubber.  Grandpa bought a rubber.  Grandpa bought a rubber.  Grandpa bought a rubber.  Grandpa bought a rubber.  Grandpa bought a rubber.  Grandpa bought a rubber.  Are you in tears yet?  Me, I just used the opportunity to drop a box of Captain Crunch in the cart. 

Now that is definately not bone

Many years later, like 30 or something, I am a parent and my youngest is at Montessori school.  The teacher is teaching the children about their skeleton and is asking the kids to feel their hands.  She asks, can you feel the bones?  By son says, I can REALLY feel my penis bone.  Can you say parent teach conference? 


It’s funny how as toddlers we have PERFECT comedic timing, again my youngest, my memory is failing so the embarrassing stuff my older kids did slipped my mind, literally, decides a dinner party with our neighbors is the time to pour on cute so he sings: 

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder BUTTOCKS!


Buttocks, really?  Where does he get this stuff? 


Truth be told I laughed my ass off at all of these. Sure the other parents scowl at me when I don’t discipline my little one for saying what they clearly see as inappropriate things, to that all I can say is at least he doesn’t get his lines from Chris Rock.

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