Sunday, August 14, 2011

Please, fake it

You can fake anything and it works basically like the real thing, first everyone else believes you know what you are doing, then after a while you believe you know what you are doing, then one day you do know what you are doing.

I am the consummate faker I remember it all started when I was young.  My brother took my toy, I pushed him and he fell down, I immediately started crying so he would get in trouble.  It probably only worked about 1/3 of the time but that started my addiction with faking it.

Later I developed the skill further, when my family got home after staying late at friends, I pretended to be asleep so dad would carry me in and put me to bed.  I tried this the other day hoping my wife would carry me in, she just left me in the car to die.

By the time I was an adult I was a master faker, and the confidence I gained from believing I could, propelled me in life.  I faked being a world class ski racer, I believed I could be a world class ski racer, I became a world class ski racer.  I faked being a computer programmer, I believed I could program computers, I became a computer programmer.  Eventually I did not need the fake it stage and I could just believe in myself.  I believed I could have the woman of my dreams so I went out and married the woman of my dreams.

There are places where I still have to fake it though, like parenting.  The other day we were having breakfast and one of the boys says, “Dad, why don’t these eggs have chickens in them?”  I answered without thinking, “Because they haven't been fertilized.”  OK, have you noticed kids have radar for topics you don’t want to talk about?  His was going off, beep, beep, beep, “fertilize, what's that?”  I pop my head up now at full attention, damn, clearly I was not faking it right then and now I was going to have to pour it on…  Yeah, let’s just say even with all my powers of fakizoid I did not return alive from that failure.

Probably the most important place this works in marriage.  When you hit the tough spots you just have to fake it till you make it.  While yes there are cases where you need to get out of the relationship, abuse, addiction, lawlessness, etc… for the most part do not leave your marriage, you will not be happier.  All relationships hit a point where there is someone on the outside that looks like a better match, they are not.  I know, you feel you could never love them again, but you have to have blind faith you can and just stick with it.  Here is the deal, as long as you think you will be happier outside the relationship you will never be happy in the relationship.  Decide you are staying and it gets better immediately.

Oh yeah, never under estimate the power of faking an orgasm.  It can build confidence and put us back on the right track.  Just don’t do it too often or your partner might stop trying and then you'll never get the big O again.

My friend brought this up to me and he was right, in most situations, faking it is the same thing as doing it right.  You just have to pay attention to the people who know what they are doing and copy them.  Oh yeah, just remember, when faking it does not work it’s called lying.

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