Tuesday, August 9, 2011

They call me Manskills

I have man skills. It’s not that I am that manly, I am really kind of average on that front, but I can fix most things and kill spiders.  Recently, after killing a HUGE spider I was officially christened Manskills.  This is a good nick name to have.  When you are at the mall and your wife calls out, hey manskills, and she is clearly referring to you, your stock goes up for everyone in ear shot.  Men look at your with envy over such a cool nick name, women look at you with longing, longing that you would come and fix her leaky toilet.  Oh yeah, and maybe paint the master closet.

I live in a neighborhood where men pride themselves in hiring in the help to do anything manly and the women brag about not being able to cook.  It’s this bizarre twist in showing how snooty you are.  Well here is the thing, the more seriously white color your job is the bigger your manskills multiplier.  In other words if you are a plumber and you have manskills everyone says, duh, but if you are CEO and you know how to build your kid’s play set you get a huge multiplier, I am not sure how big as I have never seen this, but I have to figure it doubles your attractiveness.  Not that it matters you can have any man, woman, or donkey you want when you are worth over a billion I am betting.

There is a list of manskills.  For your wife to knight you, using a large shop wrench, with the title manskills you must have 42 out of 53 of the skills.  While I do not have enough space to iterate all of them here I will list the most valuable:

Vermin removal – no wife is going to empty the mouse trap much less the rat trap.

BBQing – If you cannot BBQ the title cannot be yours.  I do not mean beef sticks and flying saucers I mean leg of lamb with rosemary and garlic au jus.

Bug assassination – some women will stoop to this level and take action themselves but most want Sir Kills Alot to handle all activities that involve burials.

Back rubs –you of course realize this is all she wants, oh and foot massages, to melt in your hands right?  Just 10 minutes twice a month and your bedroom voltage will double.

Electrical repairs – anyone who has ever tried to wire a three way switch knows electricity is not child’s play, the diagram is more complicated than a rocket launcher and inevitably you get shocked.  Try not to be grounded when you do get shocked; it hurts way more then.

Excrement scooping – no description needed except our dog drops at least 3 times a day, how do I get to be that regular?

As with all titles you must have one talent and it has to be something artistic.  Most guys opt for the manly guitar but piano, painting, and poetry are equally valued.  One note, generally the accordion will not count as filling this category.

For bonus points you must have the ability to make people of all social status, contractors, construction workers, customs agents, bankers, executives, politicians, doctors, etc. all laugh and feel at ease when they are with you.

The best thing about being tagged with the label is I get to list items that are then identified as her tasks.  They can even be on the potential list of manskills they just cannot have been on your list when you were knighted.  I, for one, put bills on the list of womanly duties, she is great at it and I, to be honest, hate it.  Performing this task only shows me how inadequate I am at managing money.  I feel so much less manly when I do tasks I am bad at.

Oh yeah, and no, looking at hot women is not on the list of skills but it may make you live longer.

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